Dear Trump Gloaters: Victory Laps and Circling the Bowl Can Look an Awful Lot Alike

Dear Trump Gloaters,

Take your victory laps. After two years, Mueller’s report is in, and your guy has been exonerated. Or well, to be accurate he’s been exonerated by the guy who lobbied to put himself in the position to exonerate Trump. In other words, Trump’s bag man says Trump is innocent, like bag men are a supposed to do. I mean, sure, the rest of us remember that Barr’s reputation for covering up crimes committed by Republican presidents is a thing, but okay, you guys earned it.

Mueller’s report didn’t contain any indictments of Trump or his son, so clearly your guy is innocent, right?

I mean, it certainly couldn’t be the case that Mueller report is murky on whether Trump knowingly committed crimes, and presents ample evidence that he did, and now you are all clinging to the narrow path that Barr trod upon to deliver this exoneration, right? It’s not that you’re ignoring all that evidence to focus on the fact that, ultimately, Mueller had too high a legal bar to hurdle, and knew he couldn’t really indict a sitting president right? I’m sure that the President of the United States lied about the Trump Tower meeting in June because he was “acting like an innocent man” as Dick Lowry says, right?

Hell, I’m sure that you, unlike the rest of us, have read the actual report and not just Barr’s summary of it, yes? It sure would be pretty dishonest and irresponsible of you to imply things you simply cannot know. Gosh, it would even make you a hypocrite for chastising the media for doing things that you yourself are doing now, right Trump Gloaters?

Innocent men lie about material facts in a criminal investigation all the time, right Dick Lowry? It’s totally normal that the sitting President of the United States helped his son craft a misleading email that has connections to an ongoing criminal and counterintelligence investigation, right Dick? I am positive that if Hillary Clinton had told her daughter to lie about a meeting with a Russian that Dan “Salad Bowl Head” Bongino wouldn’t be screaming from the rafters, right?

But hey, you know? You guys won this one. The evil libtarded media was all, like, doing it’s job and reporting things. And since they reported things, clearly they were in on some secret, soft coup, and weren’t just repeating the facts that they had at the time, right? Also, we’re totally basing all this gloating and stuff on the full report, right? So like, there’s nothing else extremely alarming and damning in the Mueller Report that Barr is intentionally ignoring or downplaying right?

Oh, we haven’t? You mean all this gloating is being done because William Barr summarized a two year investigation in four pages written in 48 hours? Oh, you mean his letter pretty much says the same exact thing his 19-page memo trashing the Mueller investigation did? You mean that memo uses the same shoddy logic about obstruction of justice that he used to feed red meat to people like Lowry and Bongino? Huh. That’s awful weird.

Gosh, guys, I don’t know. It seems like you’re being awful shortsighted. Once that report comes out, and the bad stuff Trump and his associates did that might not rise to the level of criminality, but show criminal stupidity comes to light, it could make it look like you guys have no principles, and were just looking for a quick, cheap, political win. I mean, I know it’s hard to believe that the “Iraq has WMD” and “tax cuts for the wealthy trickle down” crowd might be full of complete and utter shit, but hey, don’t let the fact that you hired the Iran Contra cover-up schmuck to do this dirty deed stop ya from crowing, folks.

Just remember, though, that victory laps and circling the bowl can look a lot alike. Whether you’re celebrating a narrow, completely politically spun victory, or your flushing a turd that should be flushed as far away from you as humanly possibly as quickly as humanly possible, they both can look the exact same. Once the Mueller report drops, in full, then we’ll revisit whether you’re taking a victory lap, circling the bowl, or both.

Enjoy your “victory” for now. The people who don’t care if the president broke the law are the only ones who believe his henchman when he says Trump didn’t break the law. The rest of us would like to see what Mueller saw with our own eyes, and hear what he heard with our own ears. Anything else is just more spin and cover-up.

Oh, and 2020 is still coming, and this country is long overdue for a one-term president. Especially if one has been shown to be not quite crooked, but 100% bent. It’s nice that you guys are taking the word of a man specifically hired to carry Trump’s water; the rest of us aren’t. See you at the polls, schmucks.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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